Monday, September 6, 2010

St Paul 's Letter to the Electorates: Chapter 8

For those among you still waiting, as I am, for an election result...

i. And it was written that on the day before the Sabbath
the people would gather together in a public place and accept burnt
offerings, tip tomato sauce down their fronts, cast their votes and
return to their homes. And when the darkness had fallen, and after they
had uncorked their evening meal and begun to engage in wassail, there
came the sound of a great counting.

ii. And as the counting advanced there emerged a pattern,
and it was like unto that established by Noah. For the votes came in two
by two, one of each kind with one each of the other kind, until the Ark
was full.

iii. For the people had chosen equally, and by close of
play neither Julia nor Anthony could rule in the land. And so it was
that the result hung in the scales of balance for many days and many
nights, and was undecided.

iv. And calls were made to the uttermost parts of the land,
including to Solomon, who was wise, for this would make a nice change.

v. And there were those who lacked dependence, but gaineth
much, and were not part of the tribes of neither Julia nor Anthony. And
they carryeth all before them in the counting and were victorious, each
in his area and after his kind. And they were agreed on one issue. And
it was Barnaby. For they haveth no time for same.

vi. And they were courted by the Julianites and the
Anthonites, yea, even as the counting was done.

vii. And the scribes looked at the figures and they all
agreed that they had seen it coming, and were not surprised, and had
predicted exactly this result, for it was always on the cards and was
inevitable for the following reasons, which they listed. For the scribes
see all things, and hear all things, and know all things.

viii. But one factor sneaketh up even upon the scribes. For
Bob, who was Brown and who was also Green, turneth out not only to
control the senate but to have a big romp downstairs as well. For those
who were Green had gone forth and multiplied. And this was a feature of

ix. And after a time, late in the evening of the counting,
Julia came forth and spoke to the multitude, and they called her name.
And although she had suffered losses in all parts of the country, she
calmeth the people, and pointeth out that according to law she was still
the caretaker leader, or janitor.

x. And Anthony came forth also and the multitude called
also his name, and his wife’s name, for the wassail was well in hand by
this stage and the people were up for anything they could dance to.

xi. And Anthony acknowledged his triumph, and explained how
he had done this remarkable thing.

xii. And this was unusual. For he had not won.

xiii. And Kevin spoke also, and as is indicated in the form
guide, he spoke for some time and was fulsome in his praise for his own
efforts and for his many qualities. And the people were pleased to see
him up and about again, although this was a good time to put the kettle on.

xiv. And Bob, who was Brown, calleth it a victory for those
who were Green. And it was so. And Bob was most excited, and fighteth
the urge to pull his top up over his head and run around the field with
outstretched arms.

xv. For there was a large swing to Bob.

xvi. And there was another swing which was even bigger than
Bob’s swing, and it was swing to informality. And those with long white
beards stroked them at this point, saying ‘Yikes. A great many of the
people have lost interest in these matters’.

xvii. And messengers were sent out by the Julianites and
the Anthonites to their imaginary friends at the Oakshottery, and in the
House of Windsor and among the Kattermites. And they were experienced,
and they understood, and were responsible, and they all spoke of the
need for stable government. And the leaders agreed, saying ‘Absolutely.
Now, how about some steak knives?’

xviii. And the people waited, for there was nothing else
to do, and they were getting quite good at it.


Deanna said...

LOL! did you make this up Rachel?! very funny!

Rach said...

Sadly, no. My parents emailed it to me. No idea where it came from does sound like the sort of thing my brother would write, however :)