Saturday, May 3, 2008


Tomorrow marks one year since my Nan died from cancer. One whole year. Which means it's also nearly a year since I decided to stop wallowing in my self pity and dwelling on how ridiculously unhappy I was and to basically get over myself. It actually worked, too, for most of the last year. I was happy, even though things still weren't great, I was able to deal with them better. Somehow, though, in the last few months or so I seem to be sliding back along the path of self pity. It sucks. I hate who I am when I'm all mopey and depressed. It's not the 'me' that I'm used to. It's definitely not a nice person to be around. So I guess I need to try and remember that I have defeated this before and I can do it again.

It doesn't help, though, that nearly a year to the day that my grandmother died, my best friend faces the same reality, telling me today that her grandmother has the big 'C' word. Pancreatic and liver. Which is not a great prospect, really. I guess it surprised me (see? I can keep on topic occasionally...) how much that effected me, because I've been all teary and mopey and generally sad all day, and I'm sure it's not really about Ria's grandmother, who I've never met, but it's more about me. Which is an utterly selfish response but there you have it. But I thought I was past all this grief stuff. Acceptance, etc. But today I have been a total basket case. I cried during an episode of Gossip Girl, for crying out loud. That there is surely an indicator of some major problems...

I suppose it doesn't help that this morning I woke up suffering some kind of allergy to the eye makeup I was wearing last night, and my right eye was nearly swollen shut and I kind of looked like Quasimodo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Or like I got punched in the eye whilst wearing a rather stunning shade of pinky-red eyeshadow. Maybe it's karma getting me back for laughing at Wez for managing to twist his ankle and cut his eyebrow open when he passed out Thursday. But seriously, when someone hears you coming and goes 'Don't laugh', surely it's the natural response, when you see them hobbling on crutches with stitches in their face to laugh in a somewhat maniacal way. That's not just me, right? Cause I don't really believe in Karma anyway...because I've seen enough even in my short life that makes me believe that the worst stuff always seems to happen to the best people, and not the other way around.

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